*this piece I have also published on the thought catalog.
There comes a point in your life where you feel like the fog has been lifted away. The thing is you never knew any fog was obscuring your view and when it’s been lifted away it feels like you’ve been hit by a tonne of bricks. You’re suddenly conscious of everything. Too conscious. That’s what happened to me. One day someone asked me how I was and I couldn’t answer them.
After that realisation of sorts, living became hard. A task I could barely keep up with. My days were filled with loneliness, tears, frustration mostly at myself and longing. I was constantly longing for a change. For my days to be filled with happiness instead of pain. There were days, are still days, where I felt like I was being suffocated by darkness. I felt trapped everywhere I went. Some days I felt a motivation of some sorts to get better. Focus on other, more positive things. I felt alive in those moments. Then there were moments when I’d laugh at myself for even thinking things could better. I laughed at the thought of the strength I thought I could possess.
All of a sudden many things went wrong. I disappointed so many people. I disappointed myself. I became uncomfortable in my own skin. Never saw beauty in myself. I saw it everywhere else though. For example I began to notice beauty all around me. I noticed how beautiful the sky looked when you viewed it through the branches of a tree in autumn. Or when you saw it through broken glass. Broken glass. People usually throw away broken glass. They think it’s flawed. They don’t see its true beauty. Or the beauty you can see through it.
When you’re overcome with darkness, you see beauty everywhere except in yourself. It’s a beautiful sight to see and can make you feel happy, at peace, in awe of the beauty of nature around you. It can also make you feel sick to the stomach. You see beauty everywhere and still can’t find it within yourself.
Depression can drive you to do some crazy things. Things you regret almost immediately after. I got the easier side of it. Some people aren’t as lucky. Their depression takes such a strong hold of them that they can’t release themselves from its hold. It’s such a taboo subject nowadays which is strange since it’s on the up rise. Instead of feeling like we can talk to people, we feel more alone than ever. Want to know why? Society.
Society is a web of high standards and unattainable goals. We are controlled by perfect people and if we don’t match up to their standards then we are judged, looked down upon, made to feel unworthy. A lot of people aren’t aware of this control. They blame themselves for simply not being good enough.
Here’s the truth.
Everyone is good enough. Your very existence shows that you’re good enough. The question you need to ask yourself is what is it you think you’re not good enough for? And when you know the answer think to yourself, is this something you actually care about? Does it even matter? This is how I began to get away from the negative effects of being more conscious. Being conscious is good. It means you’re alive, not just physically but emotionally. It means you are in touch with your emotions. You see how a simple twist of perspective can make you feel a whole lot better? Let’s carry it on, realising that there are bad parts of your life is realising that you’re only human. No one can get through life without a bad moment. That’s just it though, it’s just a bad moment. Is your life one moment? More importantly are you going to let one moment affect your whole life? Your life is filled with countless, different moments and lucky you, you get to choose which ones define you and which don’t.
But here’s some more truth.
We can all wish for a life where we fight the darkness, live everyday happy and enjoy all the moments life brings us. Ignore the bad and essentially fight the power! But sadly we all know that’s not true either. Kevin Gates once said “without an understanding of bad. How can one truly have an appreciation of good?” There are going to be days we wake up and hurt. Hurt so badly and for reasons we may not understand ourselves. There will be moments where everything is going well but something happens that ruins those moments and we blame ourselves. There are going to be chapters in our lives that we wish we could erase from our memories. It is in these moments where we need to understand it’s just us living. In these moments cry, cry to your hearts content. Eat ice cream, online shop for things you’ll never end up wearing, lie in bed all day watching Friends from beginning to end. Just make sure you get up and move on. Remember it is just life playing its part. It is temporary. Most things in life are temporary, in fact nearly everything is, and the pain you’re feeling is temporary too.
Just hold on and remember that every day is a new day and every moment is a chance for a fresh start. I, in all honesty, have not perfected this yet because I know it’s a journey and that’s okay. It’s all just temporary pain.