I don’t belong.

All my life I’ve just been a part of random groups. In school I was never in one group, I spoke to people from multiple. Now even after school I find that I’m still not part of any proper group. The problem is I always feel like I am a part of these groups. I feel happy and loved and then one day I find out I’m not a part of them. I find out because we will go days without communicating and I’ll be the only one who’s affected. They’ll all hang around together and I’ll find out through Snapchat. I’ll know they’re making plans and wait around for an invitation that’ll never come.

Yes I know it sounds like a first world problem. Poor girl complaining about small issues like this wow get over it. That’s what you’re thinking right?

Well you are entitled to that but let me tell you how this has affected me. 

I’ve never felt like I belonged. I always felt like an annoyance in people’s lives and this acts as my proof of that. People don’t want me as an actual part of their group because I’m easy to forget about. It’s easy to have me there just when you need me. It’s easy to think I’ll always be there when you need me because I will. I will never shun them away from this because even though there will be moments like this when I feel heartbroken over it, I know that as soon as I see them again I’ll get over it. I’m selfish. I’ll revel in the small moments where I’ll feel like an actual part of the group then when it’s over I’ll cry knowing I’ll never be a permanent part. 

Don’t get me wrong they’re not bad people. They don’t know how it’s affecting me because I don’t ever speak up about it. They’re some of the best people I know which is probably why it hurts more to know I’ll never be to them what they are to me. 

I did speak up about it once only to be reassured that it’s not the case but I knew better and I was proved right. It’s my own personal problem though. I shouldn’t even complain about it because it isn’t anyone’s fault is it?

Or is it my own fault for letting myself be fooled into thinking I am a part of them? Am I stupid to even wish I was?

Or is it theirs for not noticing how hurt this makes me? In fact is it theirs for not noticing me at all?

The question is am I supposed to go throughout my whole life feeling this way? Is this how it’ll always be? What is it about me that makes this always happen? 

Staying along the same topic I should probably keep my rant going know that I’ve started and talk about losing friends you never thought you would.

It is the absolute worst feeling.

I recently lost someone who meant so much to me. More than most people in my life. The problem is they felt like they couldn’t stay simply because of the way my life was changing. They didn’t feel like they could be a part of this change even though I know they could. 

They left out of fear, lack of understanding, for their own sanity? I have no idea. I wish I knew in fact.

This friend got me through the worst times of my life and ever since their exit I feel like I’m slowly going back to those times. Is this supposed to happen? Aren’t I supposed to keep their life lessons and continue living through them? We didn’t end things on a bad note, just one that left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I miss them. More than they seem to understand but I know I should let them go because I can’t keep begging for their friendship. I’m all out of energy. I’m tired and hurt and I have to stop.

I guess all I can do is keep the hope in my heart that one day they’ll be back. Things will be better again and until then I just need to keep living day by day. Keep pushing and fighting the dark. That hope won’t ever leave me. I’ll never give up on them because I realise that some friendships are worth fighting for.

To end the rant I think the best way to look at my own situation is to know that some people are supposed to only be temporary. They come into our lives to teach us things but they’re not meant to stay for long. That doesn’t mean when they leave they’re gone forever and I need to stop seeing every situation like life or death. They may come back and I’ll always have that belief. In terms of groups I need to keep living my life and knowing that I am important to certain people and I just need to treasure that and focus on that. 

I need to keep living my life simply put. Meet new people, learn new things and move forward.

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Just your average 18 year old girl trying to make a mark in this world!

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